Many languages have words or phrases that can be used in many different situations and contexts. As an example, Aloha in Hawaiian has a plethora of meanings depending on the situation. Similarly, in English, one can get through many conversations simply using fuck, cool and like.

A phrase of great ubiquity in French is Je suis confus (juh swee kungfu).

There is a lot of confusion about with the phrase actually means. But you don’t need to be a grammarian to use it in everyday conversations in French. You see, French is similar to Italian in that a lot of hand gestures are used to augment meaning while speaking. The Italians call this “gesticulare,” while the French call it “N’y touchez pas à ce trou du cul.”

Typical Usage

Here are some things you can do and say, and the hand gesture you make while saying je suis confus.

To order a croissant, say: Je suis confus (point at croissant)

To order a beer, say: Je suis confus (point at beer)

To order wine, say: Je suis confus (point at wine)

To call the waitress: Je suis confus (touch the desired waitress)

Intermediate Usage

Now some more complex ideas that utilize more sophisticated hand gestures along with je suis confus.

Please don’t hit me:  Je suis confus (wave hands wildly)

Ow! You kicked me:  Je suis confus (covers testicles with hands)

Where is my wallet?: Je suis confus (crawl on floor)

Take me to the American Embassy: Je suis confus (wave passport wildly)

Is this the hospital?:  Je suis confus (rub fingers in blood)

Typical Conversation

We meet our friends Aujus and Bechamel at the hospital (l’hopital (loppy tail) Fun fact – L’hopital is a very common French name for a pet rabbit. A pet rabbit in French speaking countries refers to a rabbit that won’t be eaten ’til later))

Test yourself! See if you can translate the conversation!

Béchamel: Bonjour. Ça va?

Aujus: Je suis confus!!! (he points to his bloody crotch)

Béchamel: Mon Dieu, ça fait beaucoup de sang! Ça va?

Aujus: Ça va!? Ça va?!?! Non! Ne pas ça va!

Béchamel: Je suis confus… (looking intently at Aujus’ crotch)

Aujus: Je suis confus? (Aujus sits up despite the pain)

Béchamel: Je suis confus… (he pulls a fancy woman’s shoe, covered in blood, out of what remains of Aujus’ groin area.)

Béchamel: Bonjour! C’est ne pas ça va. S’agit-il d’un Louboutin?

Aujus: Je suis confus… (wipes blood off shoe)

Béchamel: Non, j’étais confus. C’est un Manolo Blahnik!

Aujus: Je suis confus… (passes out)

Béchamel: Où avez-vous mis mon morse? (grabs him Aujus by shoulders and throat and shakes him vigorously, as if to awaken him. Dommage! Aujus is unconscious.)